As promised, this week I’m sharing the number two need of men. Now, I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise. But to keep the suspense just a little longer I’m going to share the number one need of men first.
Man’s number one need
If you guessed sex, then you were wrong–shocking, I’m sure. Most people think sex is the number one need, but it’s not. The number one need of a man from his wife is honor (unconditional love and acceptance). He wants to know that you accept him for who he is, quirks and all. He wants to know you have his back and support him in public. I heard a statement from Jimmy Evans, a Christian minister, who said, “Sometimes the best way to honor and support your husband is to let him make mistakes”.
It took me many years to get comfortable with this idea. I think mostly because I thought whatever my husband said and did reflected on me personally. I was also insecure and feeling judged by others. I finally realized (again after many years and watching other couples) that he is his own person and makes lots of decisions each day that are really good. This also reminded me that what I say and do is mine to own, not my husband’s.
Back to the quote letting your husband make mistakes. In general, we learn from our mistakes. Men are fixers by nature. They like to solve problems. Sometimes in solving a problem mistakes are made. But they will continue (especially when they know they have our support) to work through a problem until it is resolved.
At our house car repairs are great opportunities for mistakes and also opportunities for great feelings of accomplishment. I remember we were having a problem with our Tahoe. I didn’t know what it was and had no idea how to fix it. All I did know is we didn’t have the money to pay a mechanic to do it. My husband, who’s mechanically inclined, agreed he would look at it. He did.
“I don’t know,” is what he said.
I said, “I’m sure you will figure it out.”
He did.
It took a few hours, some mistakes, and at one point he walked away. After a break. He came back and said he had an idea. Good news, the idea was the answer. Lots of hugs and love were showered on him because he fixed it and saved us lots of money. So, the first need of men is honor (unconditional love and acceptance).
After my husband fixed the Tahoe, I gave him lots of hugs and verbal affection. That only went so far. Because the number two need of a man cropped up, which is sex. That’s right. (If you didn’t guess right the first time, you would have gotten it for sure the second time.)
Sex is the number two need of a man.
A large percentage of a man’s self-image is centered around his sexuality. Sex, passion, and pleasing the woman he loves is what makes him feel like a man. When your husband doesn’t feel desired by you, or you decline his invitation for sex, he takes it very personally. It is a hard blow.
Unfortunately for women, the physical act of sex is not in their top five needs. However, to make your relationship grow and be nurtured, it is important to have sex, when you or your husband want it. When either one of you suggests sex, do it. Yes, even if it is five times a week.
With that said, your husband who loves you will understand if you may not be too excited but willing to try. He will also understand that you may be too tired and ask for the occasional rain check. Having a discussion around sex expectations can be helpful.
Research shows that men peak earlier in life than women. One of my favorite country songs by K.T. Oslin and talks about this very thing. The opening line to her hit single Younger Men, leads with “women peak at 40 and men at 19”. In her lyrics, she says she was twenty when she read that in a magazine, I was 19 when I first heard this song. I remember thinking “no way”. But as you know, I’m past 40 and I do believe there is a lot of truth to that statement. So other than those few brief years when you and your husband both share an equal interest in sex, there are going to be times—for both of you (more likely her)—where sex may not have been on your “To-Do List” for the day. But you share that time with your husband and nurture your sexual intimacy and your marriage.
Sex will become easier and more enjoyable if you are asking for what you want. This can be scary and a little uncomfortable, but remember your husband loves when he can please you. So, talk with him. If that is too much to start with, then you can always write it down and have him read it. This will definitely improve your sexual intimacy and you will also learn what he likes and work on meeting his needs.
As women we like to take care of others. Take care of your husband’s needs by learning what satisfies him and then following through with it. By being aware of your husband’s needs, you can find ways to meet his needs. Having this need met will increase your husband’s confidence in himself, increase his trust in you, and strengthen your marriage.
Did you think that the number two need of a man is sex? If so, why?
Let’s talk about it