The last of the top 4 basic needs for man and for woman. The 4th need for the man and the woman go hand in hand in creating a home. Not just the house with a couple living in it, but a home.
For the man:
The 4th basic need of a man is support at home. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit, unsure of what it really means. So, I asked my husband.
My question to him, “What does it mean to have support at home?”
His reply:
“Having a home that is clean and organized. A place where I eat dinner, where my family is, where I can watch TV and relax after a day’s worth of work.”
What this means to me is that he wants to be comfortable, have a place to relax and reconnect with his family. A place he is nourished physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
For the woman:
The 4th basic need of a woman is for the man to lead out, in all areas.
This means being willing to start a conversation around the finances. Lead the family in spiritual matters. Take the time to develop the marriage relationship with their wife.
(Yes, we still want to be asked out on dates. We still want to be romanced. We want to be reminded that we are a wife and not just a mother. The cool thing is that the man wants to know his wife and not just as the mother of his children.)
The needs together:
By using the man’s and the woman’s 4th basic need together, the couple can create the home of their dreams. A place that is safe and secure. A place where both the husband and the wife are actively involved in creating a rich environment where both the husband and the wife, as well as the children and anyone who comes to their home, can feel their home is a special place.
24 years ago:
I remember early on in our marriage when we were pregnant with our first child. We would take walks after dinner. On one of our walks, we discussed what we wanted our family and our home life to be like.
This is back in the day when it was all the rage for businesses to come up with a company mission statement. So, my husband and I created our family mission statement. After all of these years, I still have the original paper with our family mission statement we created long ago.
Our mission statement included the following:
- Teach correct principles and instill good values.
- Provide opportunities for spiritual growth.
- Teach responsibility and accountability.
- Provide a happy atmosphere.
- Teach children to enjoy life.
How we make it happen:
To help us be able to follow through with our mission statement, my husband and I identified individual responsibilities.
Because we come from such different backgrounds this takes some compromise. (I always tell my clients who are newly married or looking to reframe how their marriage is, that you get to create what you want. Take the best from both of your families and create what’s best for you and your spouse.) This will look differently for every marriage.
This is what my husband and I decided to do.
I grew up in a home where my dad was gone from sunup to sundown. And then, later on in life, he was gone for months at a time working. However, my husband’s father went to work every morning and he was home by 5:00 o’clock every night. I remember one time my husband saying to me, “I want to just work my eight hours and be home in time for dinner. And I said “why would you want to do that?”. I was used to a father not being home very often.
To make our house a home and to create the family that we wanted, we agreed that my husband would be home every evening with the kids. It was also determined that he would be the one to bathe them, read to them, and put them to bed. It was important to me that my children had a connection with their father. (I had some crazy idea that they needed to know him in case I died. That’s me, always thinking ahead to some “what ifs”).
I can tell you that we didn’t always stick with this idea of my husband being home every night. At times we thought money was more important. We soon learned that husband/dad not being home in the evening was not beneficial long-term, regardless of the money that was made. I’m happy to say that we have figured this out (again, after 24 years of marriage). To have the home that we want, both parents need to be home each night. That is the best for our marriage, for my husband and I as individuals, and for our family. That’s not say that we don’t have nights apart from each other, because we do. But, the majority of the time we are home together.
In most relationships the home is the domain of the wife. This is true in my case. My husband has his responsibilities for our house and I have mine. They may not look balanced equally between us, but it’s what we’re both comfortable with. As I shared in a previous post, my husband is responsible for the outside of the house. I keep to the inside. We occasionally help each other out, but for the most part we stick to our respective places.
A “funny”, I just need to share.
For many years in the month of January, it seemed like I would always get sick. One particular January, the illness seemed to go on for weeks. I was frustrated that I didn’t have the strength and energy to get up and do my responsibilities around the house and I soon learned that my husband was getting equally frustrated. I learned this through our time together to pray.
It was my husband’s turn to be voice in our couple’s prayer. He said something along the lines of “bless Kim that she can feel better, so that she can get back to her chores”.
As you probably figured out by now, I didn’t take that too well. Let’s not forget that I had been sick and I was equally frustrated. I also envisioned how God was responding to that. I can only imagine God’s wife looking at God and going “ooh that’s not going to go well’.
I laugh about it now. But in that moment, I wasn’t too thrilled.
Going back to the 4th basic need of a man. He wants support at home. Which means that he is comfortable and fed. His family is safe, protected and secure. And the home is organized and clean.
My husband’s prayer for my better health was to get him back to this basic need. He met my 4th basic need by leading out and asking God to heal me.
I’m curious, what would be the key parts of your couple/family mission statement?
Let’s talk about it!