In my many years of coaching, there seems to be a recurring theme that comes up. It took me many years to figure out what it was, but I have finally been able to label it. It has to do with boundaries. The lack of, not understanding what a boundary is, not knowing the purpose of a boundary, and not holding to the boundary.
Interestingly enough, I have struggled with boundaries probably most of my life. A lot of this had to do with expectations of family and how I perceived my role in the family. As I’ve mentioned before, I am the seventh child of 10. There are almost five years between my older brother and me. I have two younger sisters and a younger brother. My youngest sister has Down’s Syndrome.
When I was just a baby my mom was hit by a drunk driver. The result was a broken ankle and the other leg broken. There was some question if she would ever walk again. But she did! Unfortunately, she suffered with pain for the rest of her life as a result of this car crash. Due to her injuries, it was difficult for her to be physically active.
When my youngest sister came along, I spent a lot of time watching her. Along with keeping an eye on my sister, my brothers were getting married and having children. Many weekends, my mom would agree to watch the grandkids. I was the one that spent most of the time running after them. This was the beginning of an unclear boundary as to what my responsibilities were and what were someone else’s responsibilities. I felt obligated to help my mom because I knew she needed the help. I also felt guilty because she would help me. Over the years helping my mom led to more and more me helping my brothers and their children. This was very challenging to me because many of their choices went against my values and beliefs. As time went on, I got married and had children and many times what was asked of me took time away from my family.
Saying no was difficult and to be honest there was some high functioning co-dependency. I was overly invested in the circumstances of my family members, who I love to the detriment of my internal peace.
It took many years, even a brief falling out, to establish the boundary that I was no longer at the beck and call of my brothers or their children. This was extremely difficult for me because I had to learn to say no to my mom.
The good news is that we can change, remove or establish new boundaries. Probably the hardest part is identifying what we want and enforcing it.
I created a program, Discovering the Orgasm, which identifies 5 keys to help a person feel confident, safe, and secure in their relationship. Boundaries are the first key.
Definition of Boundaries
Boundaries are an established standard or guideline for making choices and decisions.
In Discovering the Orgasm, the foundation of each of the key principles is centered on the mind, body, spirit connection.
- Mind: Where do you go in your thoughts, how do you talk to yourself, how do you let others talk to you, and the things that you dwell on.
- Body: How you treat yourself physically, what you allow other people to do to you physically, and what you do with your partner physically.
- Spirit: Are your actions in line with your values and beliefs? Do you listen to your “gut instincts”? Are you pleased with your choices?
The ideal boundaries will ensure safety, comfort, and confidence; and lead to experiencing that connection between the mind, body, and spirit. They also lead to knowing how to respond in any given situation. These provide clarity for all involved. When boundaries are clear and concise then people know what they can expect from each other.
What happens when there are not boundaries? The short answer, confusion, frustration, and sadness. I once heard someone say, “if you don’t have clear boundaries then you get angry when other people have clear boundaries and tell you no”. When I heard this, a light bulb went off in my head.
I can remember of an experience in my husband’s family. His brother was getting married and I had been talking to his fiancé and I said how do you see this going and she said it’ll just be my husband and me, that’s all I’m going to worry about. And I remember thinking how is that possible. We have an obligation to family (the unclear boundary from my early years rearing its ugly head).
I have since learned that my frustration came because I was envious that she had a clear boundary and could say that. I took a page out of her book. My husband and I created boundaries surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our family was growing in size and age. Both, my husband and I have a hard time telling family no (as I said before😊). We decided that we would no longer travel on those days to be with family. We were more than happy to have them come and celebrate with us. If that didn’t work, we could get together on a different day, other than the holiday, to celebrate the season and to see family.
The beauty of boundaries is that they enhance relationships, not restrict or limit them. In having clear boundaries there is freedom to explore, to grow together, and deepen relationships. This will bring about the safety, comfort, and confidence; and provide the mind, body, spirit connection.
What is an area in your life that could use a boundary? How would your life be different by creating this boundary? I’m curious to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email me directly.
And Let’s talk about it!