December is probably my favorite month of the year. Of course, celebrating Christmas- the gifts, music, and food make it an exciting time of year. I also love how magical my spot in the world looks just after fresh fallen snow. Especially in the evening when the Christmas lights are reflected off the snow. And nothing beats waking up Christmas morning with new snow on the ground. It keeps the magic alive.
Another reason I love December is that it is my wedding anniversary. This year my husband and I will be celebrating 24 years together. Like most marriages–we’ve had highs, lows, and all the in-betweens. This has made for a fascinating (ok and sometimes frustrating) experience.
This week 24 years ago I was in pre-wedding mode. I remember that I had attended one of the few bridal showers that I had. I was also finishing up the school semester. The wedding gown had turned into a nightmare that my mom and older sister were frantically trying to fix (I may have had a bridezilla moment). The stress was building! On this particular day, I had a major headache.
(When I have one of these headaches one thing that I do is walk around in a dark room so that I can have my eyes open. This helps my head to not hurt as much. I can make it through the pain.)
My fiancé (now husband) came over to see me. I was pacing in the dark room. He decided to pace with me—he was being supportive. However, he was out of step and out of rhythm (this just adds to my stress level). The headache was building and this was NOT helping. My head hurt so bad I just wanted him to leave so I could deal with the pain.
After a few minutes he asked if we could stop walking and sit down because he was getting nauseous. I suggested he go home. I assured him it would be okay and our relationship would be fine.
He went home. This episode turned into an ER visit for me—a rough one. I needed a bit of extra help for that headache.
(I laugh a little every time I think about this experience and how we must have looked—with me pacing and walking the family room and my fiancé trying to be supportive by walking and pacing with me.)
During our married years he has learned that the best way he can support me, when I have headaches, is to take care of everything else and I’ll manage my situation. He also says, “don’t wait to take the pain pill. Take it before it gets too bad.” This piece of advice is beneficial in many areas of life and marriage.
“Don’t wait” is a preventative measure that takes care of issues early on.
Taking action may look like:
- Having a scheduled time to sit down and talk about the issue.
- It could be taking time away from each other (I don’t mean separating. Cause you can’t work on something if you aren’t near each other) to think about what the problem is and possible solutions. Then meeting back up with your spouse to discuss it further.
- Agreeing to disagree and on how you will move forward.
- Sometimes it may be involving a 3rd person who is objective and is trained in resolving conflict.
However you choose to get on it—to resolve it quickly—is the best way for you. And it may not always be the same way each time.
Leaving it untreated is not going to be good.
(I get a good laugh from the scene in the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. His character refuses to talk about what is bugging him and her character responds with “fester, fester, fester”.)
By talking about the issue early on- “taking the pill” – you’re able to take care of the original issue instead of now having to take care of that problem and all the others that have come along because the original problem has festered.
Shortly after we got married, a co-worker asked me if we had taken care of the toothpaste issue. (This co-worker had just gotten married a few months before me.) What toothpaste issue? My husband and I had gone shopping and picked a toothpaste we could both use—all taken care of. However, for this co-worker they hadn’t resolved it. The issue was small and a big indicator of how they approached their conflicts—their way was the way with no compromise, letting their anger and frustration fester to a point they didn’t think their marriage could be saved. (Sadly, they were separated and divorced within their first year of marriage.)
On the advice of my husband, “Don’t wait, take the pill”! Consider the other person’s point of view and move on to a solution.
On a side note or better yet an observation. It seems that there is less emotion if the issues are resolved early on instead of dragging them out.
This does take time and practice to find your couple’s rhythm in resolving conflict.
What’s an issue that has come up with you and your spouse? What steps did you take to resolve it early on?
Let’s talk about it…
Next week the countdown continues to my 24th anniversary. Stay tuned! Wahoo!