In my many years of being a Sexuality and Relationship coach, I have learned that no one wants to start a conversation about sex (and all the mini topics under that broad umbrella), and yet they all want to be part of the conversation. I think mostly because people want to know how they “measure up”.
- Do I know what I’m doing?
- Should I be doing something different?
- Am I really supposed to want sex every day?
- Am I even doing it right?
- Is that even possible?
- How do I know if my partner is enjoying it?
These are just some of the questions people have. And believe me, there are lots more. Many questions are about the physical aspect of a sexual relationship, but many more are about what a person is thinking (mind) and what they are feeling about themselves, their partner, and their relationship (spirit). The majority of people are looking for the mind, body, and spirit connection. They want the whole enchilada.
Because I know how hard it can be to start the conversation, I‘ll start it.
“Let’s start at the very beginning. It’s a very good place to start. When we read, we begin with A-B-C, when we [talk about sex we begin with terminology]. [Terminology].” (Think “Do Re Me” from The Sound of Music.)
I like to start the conversation by emphasizing the use of correct terminology. The reason—RESPECT. Respect for ourselves, respect for the body, and respect for each other. Using correct terminology puts us all on the same page—we are speaking the same language.
Years ago, when I taught Human Sexuality to college students, I would have an in-class discussion about the language and terminology we would be using in class. This was near the beginning of the semester. The students didn’t really know me or what I was capable of😊. I would begin this particular class by writing different parts of the male and female genitalia on the board, breast, vagina, penis, etc.…. I would underline each word. I would then give each student a marker with the instructions to put under the words slang terms for the words that are above the line. The students were slow to put the words up but after the first couple then the words were coming. This caused lots of discussion since some of the students and even myself had not heard of some of the slang terms. Having taught in Utah and New York- different cultures and references.
One particular semester, I took a seat next to a female student while the other students in the class were doing the assignment. I noticed that she had not been up to the board. I asked her what was holding her back. Her reply, “I just call it, it”. I replied, “then go put “it” underneath the word you are talking about”. She then said, “no, we call all of those things “it”. I asked, “when you use it, how do you know which part you are talking about?”. She just looked at me and shrugged. This student did get up and put “it” on the board in a few different places.
I would sum this activity up with. “In this class, we will only use the terms above the line. The reason is so that each person will know exactly what we are talking about. If you choose to use a term below the line, then you will need to define it and explain the slang term”.
By creating this boundary of proper language and terminology in the classroom, I reduced the confusion and embarrassment of not knowing what was being discussed.
I have created this same boundary in my home and with the clients that I work with. We use the proper terminology out of respect for our bodies and to eliminate confusion and embarrassment. This allows a difficult topic (sex, sexual intimacy) to be discussed openly.
How would you take up our conversation? What would be something that makes talking about IT difficult?
Let’s talk about talking about IT.