(Note: I have been given permission to share from my husband. You will learn why this was needed later.)
Unintentionally we sometimes set ourselves up for failure in our relationships. We do this by asking more of our spouse (or partner) than they can do or even want/like to do.
Let me give you an example.
In my house, my husband absolutely hates doing dishes. I mean hates! (For me, I hate cleaning the shower or bathtub.) When we got married, I didn’t know this about him. Our first apartment barely had a sink, let alone a dishwasher. Don’t even ask me about our stove (it barely existed it was so small). So, washing by hand it was.
My husband and I had set up different tasks that we agreed to do. We established that whoever cooked, the other cleaned up the kitchen. That seemed fair and equitable. Everyone was working and helping. We were in agreement.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to have a fresh glass or plate for every new thing. I have a juice glass, a water glass—or two, and a chocolate milk glass. These glasses would line up on the counter—it didn’t matter who was going to be the dishwasher that day. (Just like I didn’t know he hates doing dishes, he didn’t know I need a clean glass for every drink.)
Now imagine someone who hates any form of doing dishes. Here are these glasses that keep on multiplying like rabbits. There isn’t just one, and it seems as if a new glass was added every time he looked. You can imagine the horror of the growing line of glasses. My husband experienced this horror every time it was his turn to wash dishes. When he saw those glasses, and knew it was his turn to wash dishes, he probably wished he cooked more.
Fast forward to three years and two kids later. Once a week I had a meeting that I needed to attend. It was generally right after dinner. The first few weeks I had this meeting, I would ask my husband if he could clean up [the dishes] so I could get there on time. He would say yes. I would come home 2 to 3 hours later and they were still not done. (My husband did do the dishes, just not before I walked in the door.) I came home to what seemed like more work.
(It is important to note here that I have this small driving obsessive need that when I leave the kitchen it is clean, the dishes are done, and the sink is empty. And no, this drive hasn’t gone away. I have been known to come out to the kitchen in the middle of the night and do dishes after the dishwasher has finished its first load.)
All my hot buttons got activated. Hiroshima had nothing on what was about to happen in my house. The bombs were seconds from detonating and the nuclear fallout was not going to be pretty. I was tired from my meeting, I was tired from the end of the day, and the dishes weren’t done before I got home. Words were going to fly. This happened a couple of times, before I got smart.
I decided that instead of asking my husband to clean up the kitchen I would try something else. I would either have dinner ready earlier or something really easy planned, so I could quickly clean up before my meeting. This reduced my irritation a lot.
Like me, you may ask your spouse to do something that you know he would rather eat bugs than do. To have success, don’t ask and set yourself up for failure. (Of course, you may not know what the “rather eat bugs” issue is until you encounter it.)
Another example:
I have a good friend that told her husband—at the time her fiancé—that she would not live anywhere without a dishwasher (for me that is air conditioning). So instead of having to constantly struggle with that issue, he took care of it by only looking at apartments with a dishwasher. He reduced his potential for failure. Both were satisfied with the outcome and no fallout from the issue resulted—win win.
Tips for success:
- Choose (and be honest with each other) what chores or household responsibilities you will do based upon what the other likes to do or “would rather eat a bug than do”. Sometimes this is learned through experience with your spouse. You may not know, and he may not know, what is a “would rather eat a bug than do”. It is helpful to remember things can be renegotiated. (Incidentally, I do like to do the dishes, I find it soothing.)
- If there is an undesirable chore—both of you would rather eat a bug than do—trade off or outsource it (try your children, it’s partly why you had them and they need to know how to work).
- Do it together so it gets done faster. Plus, this creates a shared memory of mutual suffering, which brings you closer together. (Or a happy memory of just being together and flirting 😉.)
What are your thoughts on setting yourself up for success? Drop me a note and let’s talk about it.