I was at a family bridal shower for a cousin’s fiancé. In the way of bridal showers there was food, presents, and chatting—even some inane games.
As usually happens, the conversation turned to the wedding night. (Whether it is prompted by the lingerie gift or the auntie that just wants you to know so that you aren’t shocked with what happens.)
Well it did. I tried really hard to keep my mouth shut. (Those who know me are thinking “yeah right”. But I promise, I was really trying hard to stay quiet.) I was successful. Then the mother of the bride said, “It [sex] is not worth it.” That was it. My lips sprang open. Before I could even think to stop, I said, “Then you’re not asking for what you want.”
The room went quiet.
Oops 😉.
But it is so true! We only get what we want in our relationships if we are clear and ask for what we want.
No matter how hard we try none of us are able to read another person’s mind. Yet, often in our relationships that is exactly what we expect to happen.
You may be thinking, “if he really loved me, he would know”.
How is he supposed to know if you have never told him? Now you may be thinking “well he should watch and learn”.
Nope!
He is still not going to know. He may pick up on a few things but if you don’t share your thoughts and desires it is going to be a practice of “hit and miss”. This can lead to a lot of hurt and frustration.
Imagine for a moment a person has just pulled up to their favorite drive thru for dinner. The employee—through the speaker—says, “Go ahead and order when ready.” The person just sits there in silence. After a few minutes, the person hears “are you ready to order?”. The person says “yes” and is silent. The speaker then asks “do you want to try our special?”. The person “no”. Here is how the rest of that conversation goes:
Speaker: Would you like to order onion rings?
Person: No.
Speaker: Would you like some French Fries?
Person: No.
Speaker: Would you like a cheeseburger?
Person: Yes, I would like a cheeseburger.
Speaker: Everything on it?
Person: No.
Speaker: Pickles?
Person: No.
Speaker: Onions?
Person: No.
Speaker: Tomato?
Person: Yes.
(Midway through the conversation, the speaker has had it, lost their patience, and communicated an eye roll to their boss; but they keep trying. After the cheeseburger with tomatoes, the speaker is definitely done.)
Speaker: Please pull around.
Was anyone satisfied?
The speaker is grateful the order is finished with that customer and they can move onto something else. The customer may have wanted a drink or dessert. All they got was a cheeseburger with tomato.
(You are probably thinking “No one would order that way. We all know that you ask for exactly what you want in the drive thru—and to be quick about it.”)
The same thing applies in our relationships, especially when it comes to our sexual relationship with our spouse. We are responsible for getting our own needs met. We do this through openly communicating what we want and need.
Both men and women appreciate when others can tell them what they want and need.
What if you are not sure of what you want or need? That’s okay!
Here are 3 tips to help:
- Reflection- grab a pen and paper and write down all the things that you have done in the past that you enjoyed and why you liked them. Also, write down all the things you didn’t enjoy and why.
- Dream Big- on another piece of paper write down all the things you would like to try. Keep an open mind. Maybe your friend shared something she tried. Maybe you read about something. Maybe you need to do a little research to see what the possibilities are. Write everything down, the sky is the limit.
- Experiment- Take an item from #1 or #2 and create a plan to do it. Talk it over with your spouse about what you would like to do. Always remember there is no failure, only opportunities for learning. Somethings don’t work and some do. If you like it- keep it! If you don’t let it go or tweak it and try again.
As humans, we are constantly changing. We grow older, get more confident, lose confidence, mature, and have a lot of life experiences. Always be willing to try something new (not just in our sexual relationships, but in all aspects of life). Staying engaged with life keeps it interesting and can reduce depression and anxiety.
What is something new you want to try? Drop me a comment and let’s talk about it.